I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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