Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
