everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
