So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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