hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
