My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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