If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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