Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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