Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
