i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize