why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
