this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
