you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
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