I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
is that a dick in a sweater?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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