those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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