I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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