I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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