I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
vagina is talking i cant
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
