So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
