I think i peed on brittanys purse
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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