I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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