made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
