Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I've blown a few things in my day
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
