I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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