whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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