i just sent this text using only my big toe
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
