When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
