i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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