Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize