My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
