You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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