I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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