This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
