I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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