i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
