I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
