I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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