Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Randomize
