Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
