I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
