feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
