the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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