Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My Sexting was not on an AP level
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
