in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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