k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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