I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
