While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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