i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
