I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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