sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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