Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
