you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
