You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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