i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
