I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
